The Journal
by KelsWinchester
Summary: based off The Notebook  Occurs after 7x17; Cas begins to lose his memories more and more but Dean is determined that by talking about their journey together, Cas will remember again.


Whenever Dean got time off, which wasn't often, he always returned to the same place. Leaving Sam in some small motel to rest whilst he climbed into whatever car they were hitching in at the time and drive to the same building every time. The corridors we're always so white it sort of blinded him, no colour, no pictures, just the bland and monotonic colour all the way through like it was never ending. His palms would always begin to sweat and his stomach twist a little. From guilt? From pity? He could never pinpoint it, but the same reaction builds in him each time.

The hospital stunk of disinfectant which Dean grew to withstand and get used to since he knew he would be smelling it a lot more often than he would want to. His hands rested on the desk in front of him as he leaned over slightly, the face behind the counter recognising him straight away, the woman's face giving a pained smile.

"Is he okay to see today?" The nurse didn't even need a name to know who the man was looking for; she typed away and clicked a few buttons on the database before looking back up.

"He just took his medicine, you can go." Before the nurse even finished her sentence Dean headed off towards the correct room. The same gut clenching feeling from before starting to pain him again, he attempted to shake it off but for some reason, he couldn't. When he got to the room's door he gazed through the small pane of glass to see the patient sitting on the bed, painfully still and staring out of the window from where he was.

Ever since that night, when Cas came back and shifted the killing weight from Sam to himself, Dean never said thank you. Sure, Cas fixed what he had broken, but for all the times before, Dean realized how he never appreciated it. Everything this angel had done for the Winchesters out of his own selfless needs, he couldn't bare thinking about leaving him there to rot all by himself.

The doctors explained Cas having a 'dementia-like state' where his memories would completely wipe out and he would remember nothing. Everything from his own name, to Dean's face or even how to dress himself would be lost for periods of time. Sometimes the memories would come back and Cas would realise who he was talking to, recognize Dean's face and his cold and empty eyes would light up, but only for short periods of time before he was whisked away back to his blank world.

Dean couldn't exactly explain the reason as being '_this dude's actually an angel and he took Lucifer out of my brother into his own body'_ or else he would end up in the psychiatric ward alongside Cas. So he played along, knowing that this whole inner mess with Lucifer and the broken wall was eating away at Cas, eating away at his memory, his Grace, until he'd be an empty shell made up of nothing.

He felt a hand fall on his shoulder, and a tired sigh emerge from behind him. "He's becoming worse Dean." Dean turned to face the doctor, his face falling and his face scrunching in pain like he had been hit in the gut.

"What do you mean Doc?" Dean's voice strained to ask, he didn't even know if he wanted to know what the man meant, but it was too late now, he had already asked and the doctor's face fell into even more of his own sadness.

"The periods of time he's not remember anything, they're becoming longer and longer. The longest period we've had now is a week where he remembered nothing. He's going to slip into a state where all his memories will be gone forever and it could happen at anytime, he's ticking time bomb… The medicine is having less and less effect by the day, I'm so sorry Dean." The doctor tightened his grip on Dean's shoulder, trying to show that he was sorry for all of this but Dean just shook his head and turned back to looking through the thin frame of glass.

"I'll keep going, I'll tell him everything about us until he remembers, until he remembers _everything_ for good." The hunter spat out, his eyes watering badly now, he ran the back of his hand over his eyes, preventing the tears from falling before they could and straightened himself up, strengthening himself, for Cas.

The doctor sighed behind him and started to walk away, "Remember, Novak." _Novak_. The only name Cas would respond to in his memory loss state, no one could fathom why, but Dean thought it was something to do with Jimmy, some sort of vague memory of his host in there.

Eventually Dean pulled himself out of his window staring state and opened the door, walking into the room and seeing Cas' face turn around, those empty eyes looking straight into his. "Who are you?" Dean paused and felt the knot his throat swell, his eyes glaze over but he coughed it back and placed on the fake smile Frank told him to do like always.

"Ah, I'm Winchester, the, ugh, story teller." Dean figured that maybe, just maybe, that if he retold stories about their adventures, their moments of happiness together that Cas would overcome whatever was happening in his head right now. Dean held onto that glimmer of hope, no matter how unlikely it seemed. Cas shuffled along on the bed, nodding to himself and turning to full face Dean.

"I remember, yes, please come sit." Dean complied and sat next to Cas, seeing how rough he looked only left Dean's ache to grow, but he shook it away for the moment and turned to face the angel. "I remember last time you got to the part about you and your friend Cas talking about personal space?" Dean couldn't help but laugh, his own memories flooding back at the moment when the other half of the story sat right before him and couldn't remember any of it.

"Yeah Novak, let's continue that story."

"Dude, Cas, personal space, come on!" Dean cried out, for the third time this week, when Cas appeared he was right up in Dean's face and it left the hunter feeling uncomfortable as hell.

"I apologise Dean… I don't know what 'personal space' is." Cas says in his normal confused voice and the hunter can't help but scoff out a laugh and shake his head, he places his hands on Cas' shoulders and pushes him away at arms length, until his fingers barely brushed Cas' trenchcoat.

"This is the distance you need to stand and talk to me from Cas. Personal space is just something so you don't get in people's faces and annoy them." Cas nodded and then started to frown slightly, his eyes looking up at Dean's, there was a slight tint of hurt there but Dean couldn't really understand why.

"I annoy you?" And for the first time since Dean and Cas had met, the hunter saw real emotion spread across the angels face and the first time is happens it's not even a happy emotion, Dean caused Cas' first real feelings to be that of sadness. Guilt passed through Dean for a moment as he stumbled to find words to try and patch up what he just said.

"N-No Cas, you don't, I mean, it doesn't _annoy_ me it just-"

"Then why can't I stand here?" Cas stepped forward until he was close to Dean again, their bodies barely apart and Dean could feel the heat between because they were stood that close. Dean parted his lips to speak but the intensity of Cas' eyes delving right into his suddenly made him lose his pace of words and his throat lump up. Too close, _dangerously_ close. Dean quickly turned himself away and walked until there was a good gap between them, an awkward laugh filling the silence.

"Haha, Jesus, Cas! You just, _can't_!" Dean replied, his words almost blurring into one with the speed he was talking, but Cas just stood, his head cocked to the side in more confusion. "I mean you don't do it to anyone else, you keep a good space between Bobby and Sam, why can't you with me?"

Cas stood for a while, his eyes trained on Dean but his body still, eventually his eyes lowered and his shoulders sagged slightly. "I didn't know it bothered you so much Dean. I apologise again." And with a swift sound of wings flapping Cas disappeared from the room.

Dean called out after the angel after he left but he didn't return. Dean sighed out loudly and sat on one of the motel beds, waiting for Sam to return but was hoping he would take a little longer so the hunter could gather himself back up after pissing Cas off. He never means to, really, he never means to annoy Cas or call out on him for the social odds and ends that he doesn't pick up on, he was just never used to someone like the angel who had just little interaction with humans and barely knew what to do.

"I'm sorry Cas…" He whispered to himself as he looked up, hoping Cas would hear him.

"Wow it really sounds like Dean messed things up there." Cas said, his finger idly playing with the sheets on the bed, Dean smiled slightly and looked for a flicker of reaction from Cas, any recognition from the story, but he already felt the disappointment when Cas' eyes stayed looking down as he listened.

"Yeah, Dean's not good with emotions." Even he admitted that himself, he always tried to cage them away, lock them up and destroy the key hoping they'd never come back. "It takes him a while to notice what he had in front of him all along. Then by the time he notices… It's too late." Dean kept his eyes on Cas, waiting once more but when the moment passed he diverted his gaze somewhere else.

"I see, so what happens, between Dean and Cas? Do they patch things up?" Cas asked, his eyes looking up slightly to see Dean staring out of the window. Dean felt himself smile slightly as he turned back to the angel.

"Well…"

Dean prayed for hours on end trying to get Cas to return but in the end, no avail. It hit midnight and Sam still wasn't back, he was a little panicked at how long his little brother was gone but he trusted in Sam and that if anything happened he would feel it. So he attempted again, he sat on the end of his motel bed, rested his elbows on his thighs and clasped his hands together, his eyes closing.

"Cas, please, just listen to me here. I didn't mean to anger you, or upset you. Personal space is just a general human thing and when someone like you isn't used to it… It takes me by surprise, please, just I don't know… Get your feathery ass back here!" Then silence fell, Dean opened his eyes slowly and leaned himself back, unclasping his hands and searching the room. The hunter sighed knowing he probably just ruined his apology by saying 'feathery ass' but it was a nickname habit when he prayed and hopefully Cas knows that.

After several minutes of silence when Dean heard the familiar wing sound he couldn't help but relieve a sigh, he turned expecting Cas to be centimetres from his face but saw the angel standing on the other side of the room, wary of the amount of space he put between them.

"Is this an acceptable distance?" Cas asked, Dean couldn't note sarcasm or wit in his voice and noticed that Cas was actually trying hard to abide by this personal space lark, though it was overly exaggerated.

"Cas you don't need to stand that far away." Dean lifted himself from his bed and walked over to the angel, keeping around a metre's distance between them. "Look, this is all the space you need to give, a good talking distance." Cas nodded and flickered his eyes towards Dean once more.

"I apologise once more."

"What for?" Dean felt that same intensity from before play along Cas' eyes as he ignored everything he had just been told and closed the space between them again. Dean felt himself start to panic but his body locked itself in place, his eyes staring back with just as much intensity.

"I never told you why I do this to you and not to Sam and Bobby." The hunter gulped loudly, his palms sweating slightly as Cas shifted himself, his eyes drifting down Dean's face. "They have something you don't."

Dean's lips parted slightly, small breaths escaping from them, basically waiting. His tongue rolled across his bottom lip quickly to wet it as Cas' eyes slowly dragged back up again. "And what's that?"

"Freckles." Both of them stood in silence for a moment before Dean turned away and started laughing, a full hearted laugh at what the angel just said. He keeled over, holding his stomach as the noise erupted around the room, leaving Cas looking somewhat scared.

"Freckles… freckles of course!" Dean cried out, his laughter also picking out at his own embarrassment and stupidity for thinking Cas was actually going to do something. He wiped a finger along his eye as his laughing started to calm down and Cas was still looking afraid. "J-Jesus Cas… You're killing me!"

"I'm sorry…?" Cas raised an eyebrow and placed a hand on Dean's back, looking concerned. "I'm killing you? I never meant to-"

"N-No Cas, it's a saying! It's just… just a saying!" Dean forced out as he finally settled himself down and straightened back up, patting his chest from such a heavy laughter. Cas smiled slightly and moved his hand back to his side.

"I like counting your freckles." And for some reason, when Cas said those five words, Dean felt disappointment somewhere deep down but refused to acknowledge it, like he was actually waiting for Cas to do… _something_.

Cas laughed and shook his head, his attention on Dean the whole time he told the story. Dean smiled back at him and waited once more for a reaction, again, being disappointed by the lack of it. "Dean must really like Cas." Dean nodded.

"He did but he didn't know it at the time. As I said before, he was very stubborn with feelings." Cas smiled again and nodded his head slightly, his eyes going back down to his fingers which still messed around with the bed sheets.

"I think Cas really liked Dean too." Cas paused for a moment before shaking his head and looking straight up at Dean. "No. From what you have told me before Cas _loved_ Dean." The hunter felt his heart jump and his hands tighten around each other, from a third person's view was that so obvious? So obvious that Cas had these feelings for himself yet he was too stupid to realise being on the receiving end?

He searched in Cas' eyes for a moment, seeing a flicker, just for a second a flicker of colour, like they used to be. Dean jumped and grabbed one of Cas' hands, his own green eyes wide. "Cas?" At that moment Dean knew he made a huge mistake. Cas looked down at his hand and pulled it away in disgust, pushing the hunter away and scuttled further up the bed.

"What the hell are you doing? Get off, get out!" Cas screamed, his face torn in anger and his eyes full of fear and hate. Dean moved himself slowly off the bed, holding his hands up trying to look like he didn't mean to, to show he meant no harm.

"Novak, please…" Dean pleaded but Cas continued shaking his head, he screamed and yelled until doctors and nurses came flying in. One grabbed Dean, dragging him out of the room, the hunter cried out, trying to claw his way back to Cas. "Please!" But before he could do anything, he was out of the room and the door slammed shut in his face.

He watched through the pane of glass, doctors holding Cas down, trying to soothe him as they injected something into his neck and his body settled. Dean had to look away as his anger began to gather up inside of him, it was a stupid mistake, a huge mistake. He punched the closest wall to him and hissed out in pain.

"I think it's time for you to leave now sir." A nurse said soothingly, a hand on his back to catch his attention, but he just moved away from her, walking down the hospital aisles, his eyes watering up.

"I will get him back you'll see!"


End file.
